Chapter 7 - Distant Memories

[DISTANT MEMORIES- LOG START]

[SOME TIME IN THE PAST]

“I’m sorry to say this, but he didn’t make it.”

Sitting outside an operating room with my mom and two younger sisters, I was 16 when I first heard the news that my dad did not survive his operation. I never really thought about why my dad was in the hospital to begin with - all I was worried about as a kid was homework and playing video games with my friends after school. The reality of why we were here in the hospital and its worst case never crossed my mind - and it still didn’t for a while. My mom started to bawl at the news while my two sisters sat in stunned silence. I wanted to reach out to comfort them, but I suddenly found myself unable to move or even think.

A short while later, I found myself in the front row pew at my church for my father’s funeral.

It was a humble event as we were first-generation immigrants, and as both my parents were the first ones to come to this country from someplace far away, we didn’t have much in the way of extended family in the area. At most, a few people from my dad’s workplace and some acquaintances from church stopped by to pay their respects. At some point, when I finally mustered the courage to walk up to the casket and see my dad up close, I saw him resting peacefully as if he was going to wake up any second.

It was at this moment did the reality of the situation finally hit me.

My dad was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.

---

So much changed in ways I didn’t expect. As a very close-knit family, there was a precarious balance of power in the household. My mom would dominate the household, and as a result of her own toxic childhood, she would say hateful things and performed ludicrous actions with the intent of her children growing up to be cookie-cutter replicas of her own upbringing. The only thing stopping this from becoming a reality was my dad stepping in and saying no - and surprisingly enough, my mom would back down.

But now with my dad out of the picture, there was a power vacuum in my household. My dad had worked hard to support a family of 5 to the point where his body couldn’t take anymore - and unfortunately passed away as a result. Though good in intention, this ended up spoiling my siblings in such a way that we did not know how to operate without him. We were supposed to just focus on school, get good grades, and go to a university and find great jobs - but now with the expenses of 4 people under one roof, someone had to step up to make ends meet, and it ended up being me.

The once cute and small home we lived in could no longer be afforded, so we had to sell as many of our extraneous things as possible and move into a one-bedroom apartment. Now my sisters, mom, and I shared a bedroom with two bunk beds to accommodate for space, and what little possessions we did bring started to overlap in our new smaller abode.

For the first time in my life, I picked up a part-time job to start bringing money into the household, something I was never allowed to do previously. I ended up working for minimum wage at a fast food place close to my new apartment, and suffered endless hours of manning the register, prepping the food, and working the drive-thru to ungrateful and rude customers. Though my mom tried to step up as well by finding work on her own, her insufferable attitude got her fired from most jobs after a couple of weeks. Her unstable and unreliable income coupled with our mounting expenses forced me to leave school entirely, now focusing on just trying to get by for my family of four.

While I was trying to adjust to my new responsibility and routine, I neglected what was going on in the lives of my sisters. Though younger than me by one year and two, they too were suffering immensely from the absence of our father. Unbeknownst to me, in between her employment stints and pretty much at all other times of the day, my mother would be lambasting my sisters on their looks, behaviors, incompetencies, and so much more to the point where neither of them could stand to suffer through it anymore.

---

“Hey, are you done in the bathroom yet? I need to use it, the one at work was disgusting and I couldn’t use it there.”

I had just come back from working after a long day, and was annoyed to find the single bathroom in our apartment occupied.

“Ju-just a minute! I just need a little more time in here…”

My younger sister, [[Cecilia]], replied, and I didn’t think too much of it. I tried to wait it out by laying on the floor of our small living room and staring at the ceiling fan spin to pass the time.

Click-click

I heard the noise of the bathroom door being unlocked, but my younger sister didn’t come out yet. Sometimes she would do as a habit, performing her finishing touches before actually coming out. I turned my head from the bathroom door to once again stare at the ceiling fan for what seemed like a long time.

“Cecilia?”

I turned again to the bathroom door, when suddenly I heard a loud crash, like something heavy had just fallen into the bathtub.

“Cecilia! Are you okay!?”

I got up from my spot on the floor and rushed to the bathroom door. I heavily knocked to see if she was okay, and found that it opened with little resistance as it was already unlocked.

What I saw made my heart want to scream.

I saw my younger sister laying sprawled in the bathtub with her feet dangling over, pills strewn everywhere, and finally, a neatly written note on the bathroom sink…

---

[ PRESENT DAY ]

I bolted upright yet again after waking up from a nightmare. Lately, I hadn’t even been able to dream - but after the last dive in “The Grand Challenge”, memories I had locked away had started to resurface.

A short while ago, I had been ejected once again from the Grand Challenge due to Usika losing consciousness after we received a primer about the state of her world. I had a feeling she would stabilize faster this time, and soon I would see another notification about my next challenge being available.

But… What if I chose to ignore the call?

I stared at the ceiling, half expecting to find the answers by letting my mind wander, when I suddenly remembered the ceiling fan I was staring at so long ago, and jolted upright to instinctively turn towards… nothing.

If I had been a little more attentive, maybe things could have been different for my youngest sister.

There was no such thing as a notification for letting you know the mental states and well-being of the people in your life, but now I had this weird life-like app pestering me to continue risking my life for something that wasn’t even real.

“…”

I couldn’t undo the mistakes I had made in the past, yet I kept letting them gnaw away at me as some form of atonement that would never end.

I looked over again to the headset and then to my phone. This time I would be getting notifications for someone in need of me, even though I had no idea what I was doing.

Would I turn away from something like this happening right in front of me?

“Sigh…”

I turned to the clock on my nightstand and saw it was late in the night. It would be a couple more hours before I woke up just before my daily online meeting with my team, when something occurred to me. I fumbled with the small digital clock to update the alarm to now be 7 AM instead of 9 AM per usual, and turned to try and go back to sleep.

---

DI DID DI DING! DI DI DID ING!

The jovial chirping of the digital clock lingered on for a good 10 seconds before I rolled out of bed to turn it off.

“Why… am I even doing something like this?”

Trying to take my mind off how tired I was and how much more I would rather be in bed, I looked through the piles of clothes I had littered all over the floor, and put on something that would be passable enough for running gear.

After wordlessly putting on an old t-shirt and some gym shorts, I sauntered up to the door to find two pairs of shoes - one for running, and one for casual walking. Both were hilariously in great shape as I rarely ever went out anymore, so I laced up the running shoes and took the first step outside.

“Damn, it really is bright in the morning…”

I instinctively put up my hand in front of my eyes to shield myself from the morning glow until my eye levels adjusted. After adjusting my vision, I saw an elderly man walking their giant golden lab, who had coincidentally also spotted me.

“Hey neighbor! Lovely morning, isn’t it?”

The dog walker enthusiastically waved at me, and I awkwardly waved back with the hand formerly blocking my vision. Pleased with the interaction, the elderly man and their dog continued their journey onwards.

“Huh… I guess that happened.”

Not thinking much into the details of the interaction, I locked the door behind me, and started slowly jogging off into the neighborhood.

[DISTANT MEMORIES - LOG END]